Hi y’all! How are you doing today? 😉
Have I lost my mind or what? Ahh probably. College is OVERWHELMING me, and I can’t believe I’m at a state of mind like this right now.
Okay, I SUCK AT TESTS. But that’s what matter A LOT in college. Bad thing about that? I study study study, and I’m stressing myself out. And now, I’m just bleh. I want to give myself time to chill out and think.
I suck at tests. Okay. What am I going to do next? Study.
But, my question for myself is: Is killing and stressing yourself out the answer?
I just had a math quiz last week, which I did study for, but not as hard as I am studying right now for my chem test. But I am just TIRED of studying this much.
Maybe that’s how college is supposed to be like. But, I haven’t gotten the hang of it, and because of this, I’m just letting myself feel empty – and I HATE it.
Yeah, I do my homework, yeah I understand the contents, but why does testing have to “be the proof” that you’re getting the materials? What if some people are just bad at tests? What happens to people like that?
And I can’t believe that me not doing well on that ONE test (FYI, I got 6.5 out of 10. That’s better than I thought, which was good ;)) is making me feel like this. Know how I feel? I feel like (quick explanation: I need to have a good grade and do good in math classes so I can get a degree in math. They’re aaaaaaaaallll connected) I lost everything. I don’t feel that passion to want to be a math teacher anymore. I feel like I’m just…ALONE.
As I was thinking that, I was reading blogs on google reader, and I just had to click this link to see what it was all about. I don’t know what it was, and I’ve seen many many links on other people’s other blogs to other places before, but this one, I just couldn’t let this one slide. (Hi Ryan! First time “meeting” you!) 😀
To do a quick video review, I thought it was great! It had ideas from how to develop a new mindset to how to get more readers to come back (I need that one baaaaaaaadly), but as for of that one, I don’t know if I can, because I’m just writing what I want to write.
And if I post stuff for people and not for me, I don’t feel “right”. (It’s not like I’m blogging for people; I’m blogging for ME) If people want recipes, fine. But this is my blog, and even though I write stuff that might not be interesting as some recipes, people still come see me. And I’m thankful for those people who come back to leave me a comment. At a state like this especially, it means A LOT. (oh Michael, I’m not saying ANYTHING about you not leaving a comment here ;))
So while I was watching the video I was like “I really can’t do this right now…I don’t know what’s up with me…Seems like I just lost my dream of all times (of becoming a math teacher)…”
But then, I thought and asked to myself…”Wait, why am I letting one test bomb me? Why am I letting myself do this? It’s only one friggen test I couldn’t do well, and what does that really have to do with it?
“I had my dreams for about 11 years now. I’m 18, and almost 2/3 of my lifetime, has been dedicated to this thought. This is what kept me going.
I’ve bombed billions of tests before, and I was able to do fine. Why not the same like those times? What’s the difference? Yeah it counts for your classes, and college is heavily-weighed on tests, but, SO WHAT? I’ve already gone through, what…2 years or so not doing good on tests (yes, there are exceptions where I got good grades), and even with that, I SURVIVED. And FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE, both CALCULUS and CHEMISTRY are REVIEW! They are BOTH in the back of my HEAD somewhere. I KNOW it is!!! I’ve seen it before, and because I did it just last year, it’s still PRETTY FRESH in my MEMORIES!!!
And GUESS WHAT? BECAUSE it’s frikken review, I KNOW I can do better this time! I KNOW I CAN. I CAN’T just let some math tests kill my 11 years of dream. It WILL happen. That’s what kept me ALIVE. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.
Yeah, it’s going to take some time to see all the positive results, but hey! There are OTHER PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE SAME/SIMILAR CHANGES. YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
I know I don’t like waiting for stuff to change; I like instant results, but heck, LIFE IS LONG. IT HAS and WILL TAKE TIME for things to get better, and isn’t that what life is all about?
On top of me having to be more confident in my skills, I need to give myself more credit than I do. I know I do so much good stuff when people aren’t looking.
- I got up today at 5 to enjoy reading. (was able to achieve my mission to “get up early in the morning”
- I did all my homework and went to the math center because I needed help (achieved my “not being afraid of going in to ask for help”; broke my shell, AGAIN. Did the same throughout last week – now all my professors know me, which I think is crucial to live a good college academic life and is AWESOME!)
- I made it to class on time (and even though I didn’t go back to my room to get my Japanese text book, I still followed the class and paid attention by not being afraid to ask someone to see if I can share a book with them)
- I popped my head into one of the girl’s room to say “hi” (biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig progress here. Now I know that I can borrow a cutting knife if I need it. Yeay! I can eat my apples now!) 😀
- I DREW. ********
******** This one deserves a speical recognition because, I totally burried the fact that I feel better/happier/more confident when/while I draw. I knew it was true, but after slowly fading away from my “manga-ka” life/dream, the burning passion for it kind of got away (and I didn’t really have time for it too much, either…) But today, I drew in math class because I wanted to finish what I started, and after that, I FELT GREAT! (my way of getting high, I shall say. Ha ha. Which doesn’t sound like me at all, but oh well) 😉 I will show you all as soon as I’m done coloring it!
Fhew! I feel better now. 🙂 I don’t think know that I shouldn’t let ONE test destroy my whole career and dream. That’s just stupid. And besides, I needed time to get away from studying, because it was getting to a point where I was getting a stomach pain that was derived from stress. (same pain came while I was taking AP US History. I’m glad that’s over.) Not good. See? I work hard, and I deserve a treat and/or a rest sometimes, too! Just like aaaaaaaaaaaaalll normal people. 😉
Okay, my drawing is turning out pretty good (wanted to use copics but they’re at home 😦 so I have to stick with colored pencils) But hey! They’re actually turning out to be pretty good! Ahh, I love how art makes me feel!
What’s your “natural high” item/action? (lets stay clean, okay?)
Oh, and I can guess that Michael’s natural high person is me 🙂 Ha ha!
Have a good day and thaaaanks for coming! 🙂 (and if you actually read this, thank you so much! That’s quite a lot of time you put into, and even just skimming through this! Thank you all! It means a lot to me!)
P.S: I may or may not have a give away to come. Totally undecided, but just wanted to let it out there. 😉
P.S.S: Guess who had a Japanese Kanji test and KNOWS that she aced it? Me? Maybe so. 😉
P.S.S.S: Long distance relationship can TOTALLY work. I just had to blurt this out because I really respect this guy in class who’s doing it. (and they’ve been together for what, 4 years or so? And they do see eachother once in a while) From here, to Japan; I have to say, Phil, if you can do it, ANYONE can. 🙂